I’m researching an article on gender roles in the family right now, but events in my real world have me considering the topic on an acutely personal level.

I have two amazing sons with very different dispositions. That there is a slight variance in their gene pools is irrelevant: my husband is the polar opposite of his older brother and they possess identical genetic make-up and upbringing.

My oldest son is gentle and sensitive almost to a fault. His overdeveloped guilt gland (that’s a real thing, right?) throbs so hard sometimes it brings me to tears. My younger son, while passionately loving a great deal of the time, could never be described as a gentle soul. He’s sympathetic at times, but the little glint in his big brown eyes tells you he’s deriving a certain pleasure from your displeasure. The older he gets and the more he understands, the more sensitive to the moods and reactions of others he is becoming and, after two and half years of hellfire, he really does seem to be simmering-down-now.

When I was pregnant with our third child, I really did have no gender preference. Three boys would have been terrific. I know boys: easy going, rough and tumble, non-dramatic. But when I saw those lady bits on that snowy winter morning, I was ecstatic. Having another female in the house was something I craved even if I didn’t realize or want to admit it. Not only do I get to dust off the Oodles, Charmkins and Shortcakes (why did all my toys have scent?), adding some estrogen to this testosterone fest will keep us all grounded.

Teaching my boys to be respectful of women will be much easier with a real live lady to practice on. Yes, as my husband likes to remind me, I am rather “girly” myself, but I am also an authority figure, so the respect that they show me will be tempered with a “because you’re the mom, that’s why” aspect. A sister is a peer. She is on equal footing with her brothers and they will see her strengths and successes, her faults and human weaknesses, and they will grow up knowing that she is every bit as human and worthy and in control of her life as they are their own.

I am not afraid that my sons would have grown into neandrethal beasts had we not added a little girl to the family, but I am glad that they will have a frame of reference for interacting with other women in their lives. They will have an internal dialogue, begging them to consider how it would feel if someone treated their sister this way or that.

Or things will backfire and they will hate the little wretch and take out every frustration they ever had with her on the other women in their lives.

Or, more realistically, it will still be our responsibility to teach all of our children respect for every living creature and hope that they will carry themselves with an empathetic air and know that no one can control another person’s thoughts or actions and violence is never the way to deal with frustration. Ideally, I want my children to adopt a humanist perspective, to never think they are better than anybody else and to exhibit a vocal intolerance for intolerance.

I love my babies to the moon. I really just want them to be happy and healthy. And they are, so what do I care about anything else?

Oh, to be that selfless, if only for a day.